Abandoned by his parents, then raised by wolves, Captain Eugene Crusticles IV (but his friends call him Cap’n Crusty) was then abandoned by the wolves. He found his way to the ocean where he was then raised by a tribe of eels. The eels probably would have abandoned him too, but before they could do that, Captain Crusty was offered a fifty dollar tuition credit to Charleston’s famed Miss Mimmie von Ploof’s Trade & Finishing School for Wayward Waifs and Misplaced Miscreants. There, Crusty hit puberty, grew lots of hair in strange places, and learned how to tar and feather mackerel, and make wooden legs and shims for wobbly pirates.

Though a promising career as a tarrer, featherer and shimmer lay before him, Crusty developed a terrible addiction to sea shanties and thereafter didn’t do a lick of honest work for the next decade. No, he sang like a bird for the next ten years stopping only when people paid him to. Thus wandering up and down the coast aimlessly, Crusty made a nice living and ate well. Things were going great gunwales when a terminal case of laryngitis put the kibosh on Crusty’s burgeoning singing and extortion racket.

With nothing else to do, no formal education beyond what Miss Mimmie learned him, and barely able to read or write, Crusty decided to be an author. And that’s just what he did. Thus, The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard was composed over several years of dedicated first-hand research for which Crusty joined a pirate operation and rose from the ranks of sailor second-class all the way to boatswain’s assistant. Dishonorably discharged, Crusty shopped his literary masterpiece to literary agents and publishers all over the country. Said one famous literary diva after reading the manuscript, “Oh! Oh! I feel seasick. And why am I so itchy?”

While original copies of The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard are only available on the black market and wherever puffer fish are served, you can have your very own copy to read on a Kindle or Kindle enabled device for a mere 99¢. For some 96,000 words, that’s about ten dollars overpriced. But if you buy a copy and get a rash, Cap’n Crusty promises to share some of his ointment with you.

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