You Feel Shame

When John Stumpf, chairman and CEO of Wells Fargo, testifies today before the Senate Banking Committee about his employees opening unauthorized customer accounts, he’ll no doubt feel shame… #BigDeal #GoToThePenaltyBox

Hypocritical and Horny – The Ashley Madison Plaintiffs

sexy judge

Presently eight douchebags, I mean people . . . people across the United States who registered to use Ashley Madison are suing the cheating website after hackers released personal and detailed information on them and millions of other users, including credit card numbers and sexual preferences.

Now, get this. These total ass-hats, I mean people . . . people are alleging, among other things, that the cheating site Ashley Madison committed a breach of contract against them. That is, because of the theft of their personal information, both financial and fornicatory, they have been hurt such that there must be a legal remedy to assuage their injuries.

But these whoreholes, I mean people . . . people who are/were married and used Ashley Madison did far worse to their spouses than just mishandle or steal financial information, or breach a business contract. These cheaters broke sacred vows to their betrothed. They took the trust their families had in them – the trust of their life partners and their children – and smashed it – smashed it into a million fucking pieces – pieces that likely will never be mended.

These prostijerks, I mean people . . . people live in California, Texas, Missouri, Georgia, Tennessee and Minnesota. They all seek class-action status to represent the estimated 37 million other registered Ashley Madison cheaters. How righteous to represent such a worthy class of injured plaintiffs. How noble of the attorneys to advocate for such a lovely gaggle of slutnuts, I mean people . . . people.

Yeah. They’re just people. Flawed, miserable people who committed a sin against their significant others and children. We’re all sinners. We shouldn’t judge. We all need forgiveness each and every day for the stupid, malicious, selfish shit we do to each other each and every day. So, while it may seem harsh to write such a high and mighty sounding blog post about these imperfect human beings who made a bad mistake – the mistake of seeking to cheat, or actually cheating on, their “loved” ones, I’ll just add this:

There is a big difference between committing a wrong and owning up to it with contriteness, and begging for forgiveness with sincere tears in one’s eyes and one’s soul. It is quite another thing to decide to sue the website you engaged to destroy your marriage in secret after things go wrong and the destruction is laid out there for all to see.

Now these people want justice. Spelled m – o – n – e – y.

Money won’t make their shame go away. But if you have no shame, what’s the difference?

What’s Your Prison Nickname

With pop psychology quizzes being the latest rage on Facebook, here at Crusty Psy-Ops, Inc., we thought about designing our own quiz. Ideas floated were “What Orifice Are You?”, “What Does Your Personality Smell Like?”, and “Are You Smarter Than A House Plant?” In the end, we did a non-original version of “What’s Your Prison Nickname?” which we think is pretty mediocre. Consider this your invitation to take it. Re-testing is allowed, and cheating is highly encouraged. Please click here to take it.

A Valentine’s Day Guide to Pre- and Postnuptials

An Unhappy Valentine's Day

by Captain & Mrs. Crusty

This Valentine’s Day, what could be sexier or more romantic than having a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement drafted for you and your sweetie? We know! We know! We couldn’t think of anything better either. His and Hers root canals comes close, but lacked a certain je nais se quois. Still, there may be some special things to consider when discussing with your beloved how to divvy up the marital property while sitting in the den before a roaring fireplace, enjoying some chocolate and a bottle of wine together. Like where the fire poker is and mentally noting escape routes. So, with 100% of all divorces beginning in marriage, let’s consider some of the things that aren’t always considered when writing those legal Odes to Love – the pre- and postnuptial agreements.

Winning at the Crap Table of Love

Not everyone wants to be married. As British novelist Marie Corelli explained, “I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.” But for those who already are, or desire to be, in wedded bliss, before ruining a perfectly romantic evening with legal pillow talk, you need to find that special someone to infuriate. For those single lawyers – and single normal people, too – here’s a little preliminary on how to find a mate. Single’s bars, laundromats and personal ads are time-tested ways to find that special someone to whom God decided long ago we were to be stuck with. On the other hand, a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine will not likely be able to support you, so men, proceed with caution. Women, you may want to try picking up soul mates at the dry cleaners as the men taking their clothes there are typically employed and hygienically aware. If you’re ecologically minded and like to recycle, consider a divorcee.

When browsing personal ads or using a matchmaking website, it’s important to be able to decipher the lingo. For example, if a woman says she’s 40ish, she’s probably 49. Maybe 48. If a man says he’s 40ish, he’s 52 and looking to date a 25 year old. A woman saying she’s emotionally secure may just be medicated. A man who says he’s athletic could be telling you he watches a lot of NASCAR.

As for actual in the trenches dating advice, remember, even men have something to say if one listen’s long enough. Ladies, don’t decide too early in the evening the night’s been a total waste of make-up. And men, tell your date she’s pretty even if she looks like a truck. If the date is going badly, and you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, try playing dead. Be sure to read the obituary columns the next morning to make sure it worked. But if things are going well, remember this advice from Howard, age 8: “The rule goes like this – If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”

Language is Everything – and Nothing

We lawyers make our living with words. Precise meaning is important. However, language used within the marriage context is not always the same as when used outside. After all, as creator of The Simpsons, Matt Groening, observed, women speak in estrogen, but men listen in testosterone. Therefore, in discussing who is going to get what should things not work out for the matrimonial long haul, translation may be necessary. While a full ‘Guide to Marital English’ would fill a ridiculously large amount of pages, here’s a list of simple words and phrases with their meanings. It’s something every person married more than five years knows by heart: ‘Yes’ means ‘No’; ‘No’ means ‘Yes’;  ‘Maybe’ means ‘No; ‘I’m sorry’ means ‘You’ll be sorry’; ‘We need’ means ‘I want’; ‘It’s your decision’ means ‘The correct decision should be obvious by now’; ‘I’m not upset’ means ‘Of course I’m upset, you jerk’; ‘This kitchen is so inconvenient’ means ‘I want a new house’; ‘I heard a noise’ means ‘I noticed you were almost asleep’; and ‘Nothing’ means ‘Everything’.

Don’t Flush Money Down the Toilet of Your Heart

How do you know when you’re really married? The same way the rest of the world identifies you and your spouse – wedding bands and you both yell at the same kids. As King Solomon demonstrated, divvying up kids can be messy. Allocating marital property can be untidy, too. And expensive. But it need not be. If the attorneys drafting and reviewing the pre- or postnuptial agreement are charging by the hour, the bathroom is a great place to save money. Why? Because there should be no unnecessary inventory or disagreement about who gets what. Studies show that in the typical married couple’s bathroom the man has five items: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Meanwhile, the average number of items belonging to the woman is 437. The man is unable to identify most of these items.

Beyond the lavatory, distributing other marital materials may prove difficult. Returning to our dependence on language, one sure fire means of fair division is to apply the Washington Post Style Invitation’s noun gender assignments so the man gets his nouns, the woman hers. As an example of how this works, take Harry and Harriet who’ve been married for quite some time. Harry can’t remember exactly how long, but he does know their anniversary date as Harriet made it the entry code for their home security system. This doesn’t change the fact the surest way for a man to always remember the date of his anniversary or wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Anyway, before heading out for a lovely Valentine’s Night dinner, Harriet and Harry decide to go through a list of their belongings in preparation for drafting their postnup using the noun gender method. What could possibly go wrong?

Here’s a ‘Swiss Army knife’. It’s male. Why? Because it appears useful for a wide variety of things but spends most of its time just opening bottles. Harry gets it. Harry and Harriet have a successful business they started together. Its ‘web page’ is always getting hit on, so it’s female. Harriet takes. What about the business ‘copier’? It’s female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it’s an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. Again, score Harriet. But, Harry gets the ‘Ziploc bags’ in the kitchen as they hold everything in but you can always see right through them. Harriet gets the ‘remote control’ as it’s female in that it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. But she could give Harry this coveted item in return for the car ‘tires’ which Harry otherwise gets. With time they go bald and are often over-inflated.

It’s Never Too Late, So Don’t Bypass this Heart

No troubadour of love has managed to capture fully the vicissitudes of the heart quite like country singer Larry Anderson did in his ditty “She Got the Ring & I Got the Finger”.  Who hasn’t at one time felt such joy they couldn’t say to the object of their heart’s desire “I fell into a pile of you and got love all over me,” only to later think “I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having you here.” Either way, ladies, should you find your man’s proposal of a Valentine’s Day pre- or postnup distasteful, you can always offer to draft his suicide note. It need not be lengthy. One of the authors of this article came up with “Good-bye cruel world. I’ve decided to die here in this parking lot under mysterious circumstances.” Apparently she likes the James Brown hit it and quit it method of composition. Haiku works, too.

Nevertheless, we are sure that in the end, love prevails. And the human heart’s desire to love and be loved is a glowing ember that need never – perhaps can’t – be extinguished. So, leaving Valentine’s Day prenups and postnups to the dustbin of bad ideas never to be realized, let’s instead find hope and inspiration by looking at some classified ads from our senior citizens. These young at heart old timers from Florida have never given up on fulfilling the best part of their humanity –  to find a friend and be a friend – to fall in and never fall out of love.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80s slim, 5’-4’’(used to be 5’-6’’), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or even a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Happy Valentine’s Day Y’all